Living in Louisville, Kentucky, I have seen a lot of craziness during Derby Week. Our beautiful city turns into a mecca of drunken debauchery. Still, there has to be a limit to your mint julep madness. For your own dignity (and safety!) it’s good to know when you’ve had too many. So, for your information (and amusement!) I’ve compiled this list of seven foolproof ways to know if you’ve had too much fun while traveling to my hometown.
1. You fall asleep in an uncomfortable position
If you’re sleeping in the mud (or on your cooler) you’ve probably had a little too much bourbon. When (if) your friends wake you up, you should probably stick to water or soda for the remainder of Derby Weekend.
2. You don’t care if your expensive designer dress gets ruined.
Crawling on the ground in a $1000 Ferragamo dress is probably not the memory you’re hoping to have at the Derby. But when you’re three sheets to the wind, none of that really seems to matter, does it?
3. You accidentally throw away your winning ticket.
You made a winning trifecta bet, but without realizing it, threw it away with your empty beer cup. (Who am I kidding…no one throws away garbage at Derby). Now, your friends are going home loaded with cash…and you’re just going home loaded.
4. You start to remove your clothes.
I shouldn’t have to say this to people between the ages of 3 and 70, but….keep your clothes on people. There is no better proof that you are a drunken mess than showing your hairy dad bod to strangers in the infield.
5. You bet (and lose) that last $20 you were saving for your cab fare.
You had that money tucked away in your sock in case of emergencies so you could catch a car back to your hotel. But somewhere between your fifth and sixth mint julep, you handed it over to the guy at the betting cage and old him to put it on a horse with a pretty name just because you “had a good feeling” about it. Now you’re the one hoofing it.
6. You add crap to your Derby hat until it’s too heavy to wear.
Flowers? Check! Extra Derby festival pins? Check! Empty beer bottles? Hell yeah! Your best friend’s socks? Why not! At the end of the day, at least you’ll know that the booze wasn’t the only thing making your head hurt!
7. You vomit in your Uber.
Dude…that’s just gross.